BP Spills Coffee

I know almost everybody saw this already, but I thought it was cute so I decided to post it.






I also thought the following new logo was cute for BP. Stolen from Despair.com.

The Tochachah (May Offend Some)

A number of years ago (September 2005) when I was still in Bais Medrash in Miami, there was a hurricane warning over Shabbos. It turned out to be nothing, but we weren't allowed to go outside from Friday afternoon until Sunday morning. On motzei Shabbos we were getting a little antsy, so a friend of mine and I decided to write a song about the Parsha. That week we lained the tochachah. In honor of laining the tochachah this past Shabbos, I decided to actually make the song public. (While this song may offend some, we felt it was more productive then prank calling the radio stations to hear your voice on the radio.)

TTTO: The Middos Song from The Marvelous Middos Machine by Abie Rotenburg.
(The original song can be listened to or downloaded here.)


You'll get boils on your knees
The worms will eat your trees
You'll bar-b-que your children; you'll use their flesh as meat
The rain it will not come
You'll chew your only son
A Jew that messes with Hashem simply will be beat

The tochachah warns you what you get when you are bad
Hashem tells us just what he will do
So if you want to do what's wrong and really have some fun
You'll have to take the consequences too

Your eyes they will go blind
You'll lose your peace of mind
Your carcass will be food for every bird beneath the sky
Your flesh will wear away
You'll be frightened night and day
A Jew that messes with Hashem simply will be fried

The tochachah warns you what you get when you are bad
Hashem tells us just what he will do
So if you want to do what's wrong and really have some fun
You'll have to take the consequences too




UPDATE: Apparently I'm embarrassing my wife. Sorry dear!

Everything a Teenager Should Know about Purim Drinking

Being that Purim is around the corner, I decided to write about what bothers me every year around this time. That is: the way anti-drinking campaigns are run.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one for free open drinking on Purim. I’m not into kids (or adults) getting carried away on stretchers or lifted and carried off of people’s couches and front lawns. And I’m definitely not into people destroying their Purim by drinking too much and not remembering anything (besides for the side effects). However, I am against the way the yeshiva world tries to stop it.

Every year we all see the posters from Hatzaloh – Don’t get carried away this Purim. Every year we see the Kol Korai in the Yated, and every year we see the letter to the editor in the Hamodia from some innocent 17 year old who wanted to have an awesome time the previous year and instead ended up in the hospital who writes, “it’s mamesh a nes nigleh that I am alive to write this letter today.” We see letter after letter, sign after sign and fact after fact of the dangers of drinking on Purim. The facts are enough to scare anyone, and they do, except for one group of people – teenagers.

You see, the Just Say No style campaigns that (just about) every yeshiva, shul, community and school use have very little effect on what and how much teenagers want to drink on Purim. It may affect how easy it is to get the alcohol, as adults are more cautious about dispensing alcohol to minors, but it has a much smaller affect on the group that needs it the most. The reason this approach does not work on teenagers is that most people who get drunk on Purim don’t end up in the hospital or have their stomachs pumped, and their friends certainly know it. To quote the authors of Buzzed – The Straight Facts About the Most Used and Abused Drugs from Alcohol to Ecstasy, “when horror stories are used as the principal tools in drug education, people soon recognize that such stories do not represent the whole truth. The educator then loses credibility.” Basically, when teenagers see their friends and a lot of other people get drunk on Purim without crazy horror stories, they start ignoring all the people telling them not to drink because they might end up in the hospital. (Ironically, while typing this post, I got an email from a Shul near me telling everyone that Rav Shmuel Kaminetzky reportedly said that getting drunk on Purim is an Aveira. While it may be true, that won’t stop most people.)

Unfortunately, the ones who ignore the message are the key audience that we need to reach to help prevent the true dangers of drinking on Purim. To do this, we must switch Just Say No to Just Say Know. When a person knows the facts regarding how alcohol will affect his (or her) body, that knowledge can lead to safer drinking and help avoid excess. Will it get teenagers to stop drinking on Purim? Absolutely not. But it may help reduce the incidents of hospital visits.

So, with that I present – Everything a Teenager Should Know about Purim Drinking.

First off, you should know that every person’s body will react differently to alcohol. Body size, history of drinking and gender all play a major role in how the alcohol will affect your body. One thing that is important to know is that even if having a higher tolerance means you may not feel the same effects of alcohol on your body as other people who drank the same amount, you still have the same amount of alcohol in your blood and therefore the effects are still there whether you feel them or not.

Next, let’s talk about BAC – Blood Alcohol Content (or Concentration). BAC is the amount of alcohol present in the blood after consuming alcohol. Below you will see how your body reacts to different level BAC’s. After we will discuss how alcohol affects your BAC. Remember: The effects of alcohol intoxication are greatly influenced by individual variations among users. Some users may become intoxicated at a much lower Blood Alcohol Concentration (BAC) level than is shown.

0.02-0.03 BAC: No loss of coordination, slight euphoria and loss of shyness. Depressant effects are not apparent. You might feel mildly relaxed and maybe a little lightheaded.

0.04-0.06 BAC: There is a feeling of well-being, relaxation, lower inhibitions, and a sensation of warmth along with euphoria. There will be some minor impairment of reasoning and memory, and lowering of caution. Your behavior may become exaggerated and emotions intensified (Good emotions are better, bad emotions are worse)

0.07-0.09 BAC: Slight impairment of balance, speech, vision, reaction time, and hearing. Euphoria. Judgment and self-control are reduced, and caution, reason and memory are impaired, .08 is legally impaired and it is illegal to drive at this level. You will probably believe that you are functioning better than you really are.

0.10-0.125 BAC: Significant impairment of motor coordination and loss of good judgment. Speech may be slurred; balance, vision, reaction time and hearing will be impaired. Euphoria.

0.13-0.15 BAC: Gross motor impairment and lack of physical control. Blurred vision and major loss of balance. Euphoria is reduced and dysphoria (anxiety, restlessness) is beginning to appear. Judgment and perception are severely impaired.

0.16-0.19 BAC: Dysphoria predominates, nausea may appear. The drinker has the appearance of a "sloppy drunk."

0.20 BAC: Felling dazed, confused or otherwise disoriented. May need help to stand or walk. If you injure yourself you may not feel the pain. Some people experience nausea and vomiting at this level. The gag reflex is impaired and you can choke if you do vomit. Blackouts are likely at this level so you may not remember what has happened.

0.25 BAC: All mental, physical and sensory functions are severely impaired. Increased risk of asphyxiation from choking on vomit and of seriously injuring yourself by falls or other accidents.

0.30 BAC: STUPOR. You have little comprehension of where you are. You may pass out suddenly and be difficult to awaken.

0.35 BAC: Coma is possible. This is the level of surgical anesthesia.

0.40 BAC and up: Onset of coma, and possible death due to respiratory arrest.

One thing that you may have noticed - BAC's in excess of 0.125% will NOT increase the pleasure, only the discomfort. At 0.125% you reach the level of euphoria. Once you pass that level, euphoria is reduced. So if you are drinking and you want to have a good time, you probably want to be close to 0.125% and not higher.

The real question is: how much alcohol do I need to drink to get to that level? First, let’s first define a “drink”. One drink is 1.25 oz. of 40% liquor, 12 oz. of beer, or 5 oz. of table wine. The chart below shows you how many drinks affect your BAC by body weight. Time plays a factor as well so subtract .01% for each 40 minutes of drinking.

	Approximate Blood Alcohol Percentage
Drinks	Body Weight in Pounds
	100	120	140	160	180	200	220	240
0	.00	.00	.00	.00	.00	.00	.00	.00	Only Safe Driving Limit
0	.00	.00	.00	.00	.00	.00	.00	.00	Only Safe Driving Limit
1	.04	.03	.03	.02	.02	.02	.02	.02	Driving Skills Significantly Affected Possible Criminal Penalties
2	.08	.06	.05	.05	.04	.04	.03	.03
3	.11	.09	.08	.07	.06	.06	.05	.05
4	.15	.12	.11	.09	.08	.08	.07	.06
5	.19	.16	.13	.12	.11	.09	.09	.08
6	.23	.19	.16	.14	.13	.11	.10	.09	Legally Intoxicated Criminal Penalties
7	.26	.22	.19	.16	.15	.13	.12	.11
8	.30	.25	.21	.19	.17	.15	.14	.13
9	.34	.28	.24	.21	.19	.17	.15	.14
10	.38	.31	.27	.23	.21	.19	.17	.16	Death Possible

So, for your average teenager weighing 160 lbs., after about 6 drinks over a 2 hour period, you will reach the highest level of enjoyment you can attain by drinking alcohol. After that amount, your enjoyment will start to go downhill. 10 drinks over that same period of time can cause you to blackout.

Some other points to keep in mind:

·

Plan ahead – if you just have a bottle of scotch and keep pouring from it repeatedly, there is no way you will know how much you’re drinking. What I used to do was pour off the amount I wanted to drink into a small ginger ale bottle before Purim. That way, I didn’t drink more then I wanted to.

Not drinking too much is for your own enjoyment. You don’t want to be the guy in the corner crying who is probably in the 0.16%-0.19% range.

Little known fact - If you are under 21, it is illegal to drive after drinking even if you are under 0.08%. It is only after 21 that the 0.08 rule comes into effect. (See what court ordered driving school teaches you?)

Keep active. Don't just sit down and watch everyone dance. If you keep active, you will drink less and will be more aware of your level of intoxication.

Keep track of how much you are drinking. Know how much alcohol is poured into every glass.

Pace your drinking, allow time between drinks.

If you are going out with friends and you are afraid you will be pressured to drink more then you want to, dilute your alcohol before you leave. That way you can keep up with the drinkers while enjoying yourself more.

Have other suggestions? Write them in the comments and I will add them.

I hope that with this knowledge, people who will be drinking this Purim will know and understand how they are affecting their body. With that knowledge they will better be able to decide how much to drink and hopefully drink responsibly.

Have a safe enjoyable Purim.

*******************************************************
Disclaimer: I am not condoning drinking. I just feel that people should be aware of what they are doing to themselves.

A lot of the information in this post is from B.R.A.D. (Be Responsible About Drinking, Inc).

Shana Rishobia

After being married for an entire month I can now officially say I am over the hill. Gone are the days of staying up late with the guys partying. No more is the late Purim Video filming. (And by late I don’t mean until 11:30 when I say that I have to go before my wife will come to get me.) No more are the antisocial meals where I hold the fork in one hand and the blackberry in the other (well sorta).  Now I actually have to care about someone. Be concerned about someone’s feelings other then myself. Go out of my way to do things I never would have done before. (Dear, we’ve only been on the road for 5 minutes, do we really have to stop? I know there is an outlet mall, but still. I don’t mind the price difference. OK FINE!) I now even start preparing for Shabbos more than 10 minutes before Mincha! (Although I didn’t vacuum this week because I pushed it off for too long. Vacuum?? Did I say vacuum? Oy, how low have the mighty fallen! Vacuuming is for janitors.)

But don’t worry. I’m not complaining. I knew about this before. I’ve seen what happened to my friends that got married before me. How they go from glory to obscurity with one little ring. OK, that’s not true. It’s a sad and slow decay from the day he pops the question. It starts with the giddiness of being unable to stand still or think straight. Then comes the all night pacing back and forth on the phone. The “date” to go pick out jewelry, silver, an apartment and who knows what else. He never returns your calls or texts, let alone answers the phone. You’ll be lucky if he listens to your voicemail, so on the odd chance you bump into him taking a shower at 3 o’clock in the morning he can mutter a response to you before he collapses on the couch. Then the wedding comes and now it’s really over. His appearances are few and far in between, and all he can talk about is his wedding, his wife and his sad old pathetic hen-pecked life. NO ONE CARES! REALLY!!

So I knew it was going to happen to me. I wasn’t dumb enough to be one of those people who says, I’m not going to be like that. I was one of those people who said “when I get engaged, watch out, because I’m going to be a jerk.” I can’t tell you whether I was or wasn’t – that’s for my friends to decide. I’m sure they’ll all have different answers. No, that’s not what I learned from 1 month of marriage.

The thing that took me by surprise which I wasn’t prepared for is something I coined Shana Rishobia. Write that down- it’s gonna be a common phrase one day. (I know, I know. I was kidding.) In short, Shana Rishobia is the fear that you will say or do something that your spouse of less than a year will misinterpret due to the fact that they don’t know you so well and think you meant something bad, so you feel the need to go out of your way to explain yourself excessively and end up digging yourself in a hole when you were never in one to begin with. (Shew – yes that was in short.) It goes from the understandable to the extreme.

“Dear, the chicken you made tonight is delicious…. Not that the kugel was bad, that was good also…. No, really, the reason why I specified chicken is because that was the last thing I ate and I still had the taste in my mouth…. I should’ve mentioned that the kugel was good as well, but I was so enthralled by the aroma of the chicken I guess I got caught up in it… Not that I wasn’t enthralled by the aroma of the Kugel- I was, but I didn’t mention it. I’m sorry for being uncaring.” “I see. So you don’t like the Challah.”

[Interjection from wife person and pro-bono editor of said blogpost: in regard to the above example, I would like to spill a secret that many women would wish I keep to myself. Women only do this to their husbands out of their own insecurity that their first foray into true cooking has been unsuccessful. I, on the other hand, never had to resort to such underhanded tactics to get compliments on MY cooking. (Hey, and I’m modest too!)

Women are shana rishobia offenders too, just less obviously, and when they do fall into the trap, it’s usually because they comment on something negative that has a marginal reference to their husbands and they must defend their husbands’ honor. It’s about feeling good regarding themselves and who they chose to marry, not the dignity of the husband himself. So, husbands of the world, don’t feel too good about yourselves. She’s not trying to massage your ego; she’s trying to convince herself she didn’t marry a complete neb.]

To better illustrate my point, look at the following comic from Baby Blues.

The reason why this comic is funny, is because that is clearly not what husband meant, yet his wife decided to take it absolutely the wrong way. The Baby Blues experts out there, will confirm to you that said husband and wife are not in their Shana Rishona, and therefore he didn’t have Shana Rishobia to protect him from this awful mess. Had it been within the Shana Rishona the conversation would have went something like this. “I’m going to start working out.” “Good idea, sweetie….. Not that you need to. It’s just that it’s always good to stay healthy…. And I just think this idea of yours is a good one…. Not that your other ideas are bad…. They are also good…. Like the idea to get me these red with black polka dots boxers for our anniversary. Brilliant.”

It’s reasonable when you think about it, but how far will you let it take you?

“Hey honey, you need help bringing in the groceries?” “No it’s only a few bags.” “I could help you anyways.” “No, really, it’s OK, I could handle it.” “Well yeah I know you could handle it, I just thought I would offer…. Not because I didn’t think you can do it… I’m sure you can I was trying to be nice….. It’s not that you look weak or anything I just thought it would be polite if….. Why are you throwing tomatoes at me?”

OK, so that’s a little more far-fetched. But then you have your classic example.

“Oh wow, you look gorgeous tonight…” “Thank you.” (Awkward pause as she soaks in and revels in the fact that she was just complimented by her husband. He takes the silence as a scolding for not saying the words – “like always”.) “…..Uh, not that you didn’t look beautiful yesterday, you did. Really….. In fact even earlier today you looked great. I’m sorry, it was inconsiderate of me. Please don’t slap me?”

[I would never! Plus, he always compliments me, so it’s no shocker there. Yes, I know, I married a good one (don’t let it go to your head, dear), at least it seems to be after one month, so in a year we might have to have an update on this one.]

All in all, it’s not a big deal. And especially with me. I have made the whole thing into a big joke. Starting a few days after the sheva brachos were over I made it my business that every time I said something suspicious, I would go out of my way to enumerate all the possibilities of things that I didn’t mean to imply. My wife hates it, but hey, I can’t say anything wrong!

[Oh boy, oh  boy, does he have a lot to learn….]

Hello Charlotte! Got any Hotels?

***WARNING***
 This is really more of a vent then a blog post. Please feel free not to read this
or to stop when you get bored. Thank you and enjoy the ride.

I am in middle of writing a post on travel, but I’m going to put that one on hold for a little so I can write about my adventures the past 15 hours.

I had a really nice weekend in Columbus Ohio. I went in to spend some time with my Kallah and her family for Shabbos and the last couple days of Chanukah. My parents drove in from Chicago as well. It was the first time that my parent s met her parents and it was really nice. B”H. (We even got legally married on Sunday!) Friday night we walked outside to a gorgeous display of snowflakes falling from the sky, beautifully covering the streets and sidewalks. Now, I happen not to like snow. Growing up in Chicago, I learnt to deal with it, but being in Miami for the past 7 ½ years made me appreciate not having it. But despite the fact that I don’t like snow, it is a site to see when the night is black and the snow is calmly and peacefully making its way down softly untouched covering the blacktop with a thin sheet of heaven. Then you walk outside feel the cold and the euphoria is over. Meanwhile, while I was soaking in the flurries, the northeast was getting hammered by a foot of snow or more. Schools were being cancelled, flights were getting delayed, people were stuck inside their homes, but we knew not of anything of the sort as Shabbos in Columbus was beautiful. Sunday night came so quickly but before I knew it we were on the way back to the airport to all go our own ways. My parents had pulled out just a few hours before to start their drive back to Chicago. While Leah’s flight was delayed as Baltimore was still trying to dig out, my flight read on time all day. When I arrived at the airport and looked at the monitor, it said delayed, no specific time. My flight was going to take me through Charlotte, NC on my way to Fort Lauderdale. Being the fact that the weather was great and it wasn’t snowing in Columbus, Charlotte or Fort Lauderdale, hoped for the best. My flight was scheduled to depart at 7:50 and arrive a little after 9. I then had about 1 hour to make my connection in Charlotte at depart at 10:10 to fort Lauderdale. When I got to the gate they said that the plane was late arriving and is scheduled to land at 8:30. Being that it was a small load the turnaround would be really quick and we should hopefully arrive in Charlotte at 9:50, a mere 20 minutes before my next flight. The plane connection was in the same concourse as the landing flight so it wasn’t so crazy far. The lady went as far as switching my seat to the front row so I can get off as fast as possible. I asked her what would happen if I get stuck in Charlotte, she said they would put me up in a Hotel. Well, we hit the ground in Charlotte at about 9:45. I was ready to jump grab my stuff and go as soon as that fasten seatbelt sign turned off. The plane then stopped on the tarmac and the Captain got on and said that there was a plane at our gate, but don’t worry, ground ops said it should be gone in about 15 min. Uh, my plane leaves in 13 minutes. At this point I just started to laugh. The guy next to me had a connection at 10:15 he wasn’t going to make it either. That is unless the flights were delayed. When the plane finally pulled out of our gate at about 10:12 we started to pull up to the gate. We were pulling into gate C3 and my Fort Lauderdale flight was at C17. As we pulled by C17 I saw my plane pull out of the gate. To add insult to injury, the crew that backed the previous plane out, left and we had to wait for a crew to come over and pull the Jet way up to the plane. After I got off the plane to confirm, yes, that was indeed the Fort Lauderdale flight that had pulled out of the gate just a few minutes ago. I went over to an agent to see what he can do and was informed that the entire next day was booked up solid to Fort Lauderdale, Miami and West Palm Beach. Not a single seat available. The can rebook me for Tuesday morning at 8:00 and put me on standby for Monday at 8:00. I then asked about the hotel and was informed that they don’t give hotels for weather and that the supervisor never put it in my notes and I would have to go to the Customer Service desk to see what they can do. I went over there and probably don’t need to describe to you the scene. Mayhem and madness. We’ve all seem to have been through it at least once. There were hundreds of people that just had no place to go. I waited patiently for my turn in line and when it was my turn I walked up to the desk and smiled. She asked me my name and I said “How’s your day going? I’m sure it’s been rough. I know you are really busy and I don’t want to take up to much of your time, I am sorry but I hope you can help me. I then proceeded to tell her my story how I’m stuck until possible Tuesday and the lady in Columbus said I would get a Hotel room but apparently didn’t put it in the notes. She didn’t say anything, punched a few things into her computer and said, here is your Hotel voucher. Be here by 7:30 tomorrow morning, hopefully you can make it on standby. Have a good night. Wow! Thanks a ton! I proceeded to my room for the night and sat and my bed and pointed out a few things to myself.

1. Thank G-D for the peanut butter and Jelly sandwich that my Mother-In-Law (remember, we are legally married) made and packed for me.

2. When people are mad and screaming, try extra hard to be nice, you’ll stand out and get a lot further.

3. Jelly Bellys aren’t nearly as good when you’re not fighting anybody for the good ones.

4. There is nothing on TV at 1:00 on the morning.

5. Being nice and making people smile goes a long way. (The lady next to me from the same flight was screaming and yelling for a room and they didn’t give her one. I left with my room ticket while they went to get a manager brought over.)

6. Technology, when used properly, can be a really great and helpful tool. (Like I didn’t know that already.) I had sent out a text message to around 15 people as well as updated my Facebook and Twitter page saying the following: “Hello Charlotte, NC. Got any Hotels?” By the time I got to my room I had a few different places to stay at; the local Chabad, someone’s cousin, and a friend of a relative to name a few. I also had people offering to make phone calls to find a place for me for the night.

7. The Jewish community is really nice and extensive.

8. Thank G-D I have a Kallah that I can call to talk to her about my travels. It’s so great to know that you have loved ones who are concerned and care for you.

9. I was really tired. Zzzzzzzzz……….

I woke up a little after six this morning to get dressed, daven, pack up, eat some free oatmeal and take the 7:00 Shuttle back to the airport. I arrived back to mayhem and madness to a security line that was a good 30-40 minutes long. The monitors in the airport told me that the second flight out to fort Lauderdale had already been cancelled, but the first one was on time. I NEEDED to make this first flight. I was told the night before that my chances of making standby for the first flight were not really that bad as many people are missing connecting flights so there would potentially be seats that open up due to no-shows. The only problem was that it was 7:25 and with a security line like this there was a large chance I wouldn’t be able to get through security on time. I quickly walked down to the next concourse and saw the security line was quite a bit smaller, confirmed that I can get to my gate from here and proceeded through security in a mere 15 minutes. (Of course they needed to run a bag check to make sure those windshield wipers were legitimally windshield wipers. They were.) I ran over to gate D1 where they were boarding. I was informed I was number 8 on standby with only 2 seats open before no-shows. Baruch Hashem there were a lot of no-shows and I got on the plane without incident save for the massive verbal fight that the gate agent had with a traveler. I’m just happy that I made it back to Miami without a really crazy story. Thanks for letting me vent. I’m impressed you are still reading.

It's That Time of Year Again Part 3

OK OK. Before there is a APB out for me for posting a Christmas video {gasp}, I want to rebut with a Chanukah video. (Although, this has its own controversy.) The official YouTube posting of this song has embedding disabled so I couldn't use it.

It's That Time of Year Again Part 2

This video speaks for itself - watch the whole thing. (This is a Christmas song but it's part Jewish so I can post it! And if it wasn't, I probably still would post it.)